A couple were sitting up waiting for their fifteen year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy comes into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi Mum! Hi Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what? I've just had sex for the first time and it was wonderful."

His mother turned bright red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him." Then she left the room.

The father said, "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till pay-day to get it".

"That's OK Dad," said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My arse is too sore.

A missionary suddenly realised that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief, telling him he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.   A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot." "Good Grief!" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me." "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah," the guy says. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says. "This is very embarrassing but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sport, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at Greek mythology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective. So the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You'll probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer." The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and is insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and parrot goes, "Pssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it is about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black negligee and kissed him passionately." "WHAT????" the guy shouts. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her negligee, kissing and petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "THEN WHAT?" "He got down on his knees and continued to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down." "WELL," demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Buggered if I know," replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor for some tips to stop his nervousness. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T. 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say 'Eat me'. 12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry. 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

There was once a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody. Soon he spotted a passed-out bum on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the bum in the ass, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.

A few hours later the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.

The next day the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks.

Astonished by the money when he woke up the bum bought two six-packs of Molsen, drank them down, and passed out again.

The next day the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred and fifty bucks.

When the bum woke up he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's.

"Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."

"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my arse hurt."